Monday, April 30, 2007

The weather was b-e-a-utiful today. That just makes me happy. Classes were meh, lots of boring piled into hour after hour. I was too hyper today to focus or concentrate so I got a lot of nothing done. I didn't get lunch today because Coach Thomas let us out late, dork. We actually had a two hour practice out in the nice pre-summer air and I enjoyed it. I spent a good twenty minutes before practice talking to Coach Thomas, he drives me crazy, and when him and Coach Andrews team up it is just downhill for me. After practice I made Ashley go on a pre-dinner walk I needed to work off some energy. Dinner was gross I settled for Jimmy Johns. I came back here tellin myself I would write my term paper that is due Friday, it is 10:00 and I still have not even started. Not a good move on my part. I got distracted talking to Darci and my friend Andrew, then I went on a walk to chase bunnies and squirrels. Kelsey tells me I shouldn't do this because they will call the mental hospital, I enjoy it. We start regionals tomorrow, we definately should win but with our team it is always a should. Lets hope that turns into a did.

Carrie Out

Sunday, April 29, 2007

I went to church this morning the first time since Easter, which also means it was my first Sunday without a game since Easter. I really enjoyed it the contemporary worship is very nice. The sermon was on hurting which just again reminds me of the ways God works. I really liked the part on Psalm 56:8-You number my wanderings. You put my tears into your bottle. Aren`t they in your book? The tears are symbolic to the times. Mothers and family members who had sons and husbands away at war would keep a bottle around their necks and literally catch all the tears they cried out of missing their loved ones. Then when that person returned they would give them to them as a symbol of how much they missed them. I would like to think that up in heaven God has endless rooms of bottles and some have my name on them and he will show them to me and say "This is how much I missed, you this is how much I hurt when you hurt, this is how much I love you." I don't know I just thought hta was really cool. I spent the rest of my afternoon out watching the baseball games with Ashley and playing with Ryan. I also got two more of my papers done today only three more to go. I made a random trip to Clinton with Ashley to pick up some things she forgot at home, somedays I miss driving, especially nice summer days like today. We came back and watched Brothers & Sisters, oh that show is addicting. By the way I was chasing squirrels around again today and I saw this one with an all white tail it was awesome and not foaming at the mouth so I considered it rabies free:)

Carrie Out
It is 1:15 in the morning. I am tired...yet I am not in bed. I know makes a lot of sense doesn't it? Really I don't know why I am still awake, it just happens sometimes. I am listening to Tunnel by Third Day a new song I stumbled upon that I have recently been enjoying. Our games today, well we played them, well sort of. We kinda hit a brick wall in the sixth inning of the first game and all was downhill from there. We start regionals on Tuesday, lets hope we pick it up. I moved some of my stuff home today sent it home with Mom and Dad after the game. I still have so much more to go. Who knew I had acquired so much stuff. I can't believe how fast this year has flown by. Seems like just yesterday I was scared to death of moving in, now I love it and am not ready to leave. I have become accustomed to living here and doing what I want going home will be a challenge. I know it's funny the kid who absolutely dreaded going to college now doesn't want to go home. Sounds like the little kid who never wants to take a bath but once they get in doesn't want to get out. I am childish sometimes, I like it, kids know so much more than we do.

Carrie Out

Saturday, April 28, 2007

It was a nice day today but we didn't play, we didn't even practice. Fields were just too wet I guess but I liked having no obligations for the day. You can tell my classes are getting ready to wrap up there is just this feeling of frenzy trying to pack so much into so little. They have a whole semester to teach us I don't understand why some teachers wait until the last two weeks. We had Friday lunch date with Coach Thomas today we haven't had that for a few weeks and it was nice. I love that guy, even more now because he somehow got our game in Danville Sunday cancelled. I spent the afternoon drawing and listnening to music until Ashley got out of class. It was very relaxing. Then we went on a walk just to hang out and enjoy the nice weather. We went to Abe's and looked at all the neat stuff. We came back and played basketball for a while in the gym, mmm basketball. After a disgusting dinner I went on another walk with Kristi and a couple other kids. We ended up at Coach Andrew's house and sat out on the back patio with him and his wife for a good hour and a half talking and playing with his dog. Then we came back and watched a movie we rented called Facing the Giants. It is a true christian based story about a small town football team. the movie was completely made by the town. While the acting(since none were professionals) was a little rough the movie and it's message were still really good. Plus all the music was made by Third Day who are amazing so that was a nice touch. Nothing is impossible to God.

Carrie Out

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Day 3 of Operation Keep My Plant Alive is a success. I took my plant to Mr. Grunder he told me its species some big name I can't remember, but he did instruct me on how to care for it. Less water the better and moderate sun, I think I can do that. I always knew the biology of a plant, you know photosynthesis and pistols and that jazz, who knew caring for one would be so much harder to understand.

I haven't been here much today and I rather liked it. I did watch a funny movie today in government called Thank You for Smoking it doesn't much sound it but man did it make me laugh. I haven't laughed like that in a long while. Alyssa and Ryker then met me for the afternoon. We went to McDonalds so Ryker could play, I miss them. We just sat around and talked and caught up which was nice for us but not so appreciated by Ryker who kept wanting me to play with him. He makes me smile. After that I came back here for softball which I had not been missing but practice wasn't all too bad I guess. For dinner Jay and Amber called and came and got me eating out with two little girls is always an adventure but at least it is a good one. I went to an art exhibit this evening for extra credit here on campus. It was of students work in the art classes here. I miss art class so much that was the one place where I felt totally in control and at ease about what I was doing. It is like drawing your feelings out on paper in a secret code only you understand. I am working on a drawing right now though and it has been very helpful in helping me sort out some things. I just like the outlet. People have good days and people have bad days but I have come to realize that any day you are alive is a special gift from God himself.

Carrie Out
I really do not understand death
And my guess is I truely never will
But with each time it happens around me
It gets even harder still

My knees they ache from praying
My eyes still fill with tears
From having said too many goodbyes
Throughout the passing years

A weight it fills my heavy heart
My feet they drag the ground
My will is quickly losing might
from the baggage I carry around

Sometimes it seems too hard to bear
I wish I could set it all free
And clear out the mangled emotions
That have set up a dwelling in me

My heart it would fly to the skys
My feet they would float off the floor
My soul it would soar up to heaven
And bust through it's golden doors

My Jesus would run and embrace me
And hold me so tight in his arms
My fear and my pain it would leave me
My heart it set free from harm

But God has given me the gift of life
The blessings of hope and love
So until the day I get called home
My faith will be placed up above

Just a poem I wrote about what I have been feeling lately. It feels good to get it out in writing.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Day 2: My plant is stil alive but we are still not sure of the species. I am taking it to the science building tomorrow so the teachers can help me.
Our softball game got cancelled today so once again I reveled in my freedom. It feels SO nice to have break, I definately could have used it sooner. I used the free time to finish my 10 page paper which is quite a relief. I wrote it on fiction so it was actually kind of enjoyable to do. I had to check out a couple of books I had previously read and got reinterested in them I read them again. One is called Tears of a Tiger, it is a really good book about teenagers and dealing with death and tragedy. It is focused around one boys grief and depression over the death of his friend who died in a drunken car crash in which he was the driver. There is a poem in it I really like: It's dark where I am And I cannot find the light. There are shadows all around me And my heart is full of fright. Everyone is cheerful. They never even see That storm clouds are forming Upon the peaceful sea. I cannot see the future And I cannot change the past but the present is so heavy I don't think I'm going to last. I don't know I just think the timing of the book rentering my life was a little ironic still it's a good quick read. Something random about tonight: I was watching American Idol Gives Back and the show was really good and had a good point but here's what I don't understand. Why do those rich people just stand up there and advocate but not do much to help. I mean sure they make big deals out of donating a hundred thousand dollars but to some of them that is nothing more than pocket change. Heck in Friends final season each actor made a million dollars a show but that is nothing unreal. 100,000 is a tenth of one work day, this seems weak to me. If they truly cared that much I think they would donate more. Sometimes I just wished celebrities would live on a normal salary and donate all their extravagant excess to a good cause. Because really why do they derserve lavish mansions and cars when there are little kids starving, sick, and sleeping on the streets.

Carrie Out

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Today has well be has been a decent day. I actually slept through the night, well almost, but it was close enough. Classes were okay boring and unchallenging, but classes non the less. I got my first plant today. Some of my friends at school sent it to me about two weeks ago but the flower shop just sent it today. This is a new adventure for me, I mean I have had flowers but you just set them in a vase but a a plant is is needs water and other things I don't know about. I had to write Mom to ask her what to do. I didn't know if it needed special water or sink water and how much. Does it need lots of sunlight and will airconditioning kill it? Do all plants need plant food? Who knew green was so difficult, but this is my new project my goal is for it to live in my room next year, but first lets hope it makes it to the end of this year. I didn't have softball today and I loved it. It was so nice not having to hurry around to catch a bus and not getting back until late. I instead did homework and watched baseball and hung out and enjoyed no deadlines or time schedules. I got most of my biggest paper done it should be completely finished by tomorrow which is reliving. I played basketball today in the gym and it was nice one of my favorite ways to get rid of stress and anger and just bad. I sat out and relaxed and watched Coach Thomas' baseball game, I figured I would go since he always makes special trips out to watch me play. I talked to Michelle and got to play with Ryan which can always make me smile and feel better. I really needed this break today. I didn't eat anything all day today until dinner I really don't know why. I know this sounds weird but I kinda liked the control I had over the situation I liked the hungry feeling in my stomach when I didn't eat lunch and I liked knowing exactly why it was there. Physical discomfort is so much different than emotional discomfort. Don't worry I am not starving myself I ate dinner I just didn't feel like eating during the day. Only other problem of the day since about 2:30 this afternoon I have had a stabbing pain in my chest right below my sternum. It is making it hard to breathe and is very uncomfortable, it feels like someone keeps jabbing a knife into me, I hope it goes away by morning. Well it is storming and I am sitting by a window which scares me so I am gone.

Carrie Out
I have had a sort of rough day today and I am not really sure why. I just find myself feeling really sad a lot lately. I can't sit in my room by myself it just overwhelms me. I don't know why I guess I am just not emotionally good at coming to terms with loss. I battle it on a daily basis, I want so much for it not to be true that I almost bury it to the point where it isn't. Some days though it just all comes pushing through and it is a bit overbearing. I hate feeling sad and depressed. We lost both our games today and I had a rough go at that as well. I did accomplish somethings today though. I wrote 2 pages of my eight page paper due Friday. I have counted and I have six papers along with everyday math assignments due in the next two weeks. Talk about stressful, but pile on top of that games everyday and it gets a little out of hand. We have a day off tomorrow and I am so grateful. I could hardly sleep last night my body was in so much pain. The wear and tear of playing four hours a day for so many days in a row I guess has caught up with me. I could really use the break physically and mentally, and the free time to do some homework. Somedays I feel like I am falling so far behind, I need to catch up. Okay so here is a random musing I had today: I wonder if you could catch a squirrel and keep it as a pet. The squirrels here are abnormal I swear if you approached one correctly you could pet it. Would they make good pets? Or would you have to raise them from a baby? Could you walk them and get them to respond to verbal commands? I don't know I just wonder about these things when I see the squirrels walking between classes that's all.

Carrie Out

Sunday, April 22, 2007

I have been thinking a lot lately about life. About how I am almost grateful for the pain I feel. Not grateful in a way that I am glad those people close to me have passed on but grateful in a way that I loved them enough to feel pain when they left. Grateful that I knew them, that I cared about them. I keep thinking about how it would feel on the outside how it would feel to see the pain but not feel it and it makes me realize how much they missed out on. They missed out on knowing some pretty incredible people and in a way I almost feel bad for them. Look at how much others could have had in their life. I still miss them everyday, sometimes I still cry myself to sleep at night wishing they were here, but sometimes I feel blessed to have been lucky enough to have had these people in my life. Don't get me wrong I would do anything anything to have them back, but to have shared in their life is a gift from God in itself. Scott died about two years ago but I still encounter things every single day that make me think of him, that make me smile recalling old memories, but also make me ache. I guess that is how it is with almost any relationship, there is laughter, there is love, there is smiles, but there is also hurt, and pain, and tears. Nothing God gave us is completely perfect and that in some ways is the beauty of it. There is a quote I love that says "My life is perfect even when it's not." God gives us the stregnth we need when others cannot.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

I am supposed to be writting another art paper right now but my thoughts are clouding my mind so I am taking a break to write them down. We lost both our games today, we played with no heart and it was frustrating. Coach gave everyone a chance to talk to the team between games, I was the only one who said much. I just get so frustrated with them, it seems like no one cares, this is hard for me to take right now. Honestly I struggle to find the desire to go out and play everyday but once I step on the field I am going to give it all I have, sure I have a lot of other things on my mind but sometimes it is nice to have a distraction. I told them to stop bickering about stupid little things and getting at each other over nothing. I got to the point where I was said go to a funeral for a twelve day old baby and then tell me about your pain and little problems, they just aren't worth all of our energy, their are bigger things in life. Our student assissant kept kinda laughing under her breath every time I talked, when we were all done I asked her why. She said because I am the goofiest kid ever, but I have heart, I have pride. I HATE this. I hate when people label me just because I am a little hyperactive, I can't help it, it is me, but don't make stupid assumptions based on it. Of course I have heart, I am very passionate about a lot of things in life but because people jump to conclusions they only see their own created version of me not the real me. I know all I have been doing the last couple of days is venting but I need to, I am messed up and sad inside and it is killing me keeping it in. Everyday I get up and paint a smile on my face and I go through my day answering "how are you's" with fine, laughing when I don't feel like it, and making other people happy. It's getting to be a rough role to play but at least I have a few people here, friends and teachers, who will take me as me and listen to the good and the bad, I love that. I am working each day to become more me and play less the role other people want me to be, but I know it will take some time to get back to normal.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I have been trying to remember this song for a week now and I finally did. I love the lyrics.

With Hope- Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all how we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you we had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say and nothing we can do
Can take away the pain the pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope 'Cause we believe with hope (There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more the wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home And now you're free, and ...
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything God promised us is true, so ...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
Right now my life just feels so overwhelming. Like I am barely holding my head above the surface and am struggling to get air with each new wave that comes through. I feel lost and hurt and am finding it hard to know where to turn, I just can't keep up. I have so much going on, I play a double header everynight seven days a week. I miss more classes than I can count in order to catch my buses. I leave campus before noon everyday and don't get back until 8 or 9 at night. What I am missing I don't have the time to make up, by the time I get back after a game all the professors are gone. I have tons of homework and a end of term paper to write for every class I am in, yet I struggle to find much free time to do them in. I am sick and I am sad and as a result of this I find myself getting less and less sleep every night, I don't know how much more I can take. It seems like with each new day I have something more piled onto my plate, even though it is already full. I hurt and I feel guilty about it. I don't always feel like I deserve to miss Sawyer as much as I do feel as sad as I do. I know this is a dumb way to feel but right now I am just too overwhelmed and confused. Why do I have a right to mourn? He wasn't my son, my grandson, my nephew, but he was my family and I loved him. I guess I just didn't realize you could miss someone so much after knowing them for so little, still my heart aches for him. My days aren't bad most of the time I enjoy them and actually they are getting better but I face them with a heavy heart that is getting harder to carry around each day.
We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, becauses God has poured out his love into our hearts byt the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3-5
Today has been a better day. I only had to go to one class today and got to listen to an interesting speaker instead of learning. I missed my second class because of our bus time which was nice. We played at Parkland who is ranked first. The first game was once again rough, but we only lost the second one by two, which is a great improvement from last time. Sure a few things happend that frustrated me but I let them go. I played really well and went 5-6 with four singles and a homerun. That was exciting my first over the fence homerun and I hit it off a girl who was the pitcher for my highschool team, that felt nice. When we came back I went over to Ashley's I just needed to get out of my room. For the past two weeks I have either gone home or sat by myself all night I just couldn't take other people for too long. Well I decided I would feel better if I just did something. We watched the end of American Idol and then went for a walk. We ran into Coach Thomas and Ryan, so we stopped to talk to them for awhile. I miss hanging out with them so it is always nice to catch up. Then we went for a walk and she let me vent out my frustrations and messed up emotions over what has happened in my life for the last couple of weeks. I feel a little better, I still just wish it all wouldn't have happend, I miss Sawyer. I don't have any class tomorrow so I am going to attempt to catch up on school work and maybe play some basketball. God is Great but sometimes life ain't good.

Carrie Out

Monday, April 16, 2007

We split our games today should have won them both, but what can you do? I went 2-6 a little weaker than I would have liked, oh well. I played really well defensively again though so that was nice. Our assisstant Coach came up to me after the game and told me that I was doing a really good job of being a team leader especially as a freshman in the way I play, the things I say, my attitude, and hardwork on and off the field, and that she really appreciated it. It was really nice to hear that because sometimes it seems like my best efforts just go unoticed.

I have really been struggling with something the past couple of days. I don't understand what other people are thinking. I can't wrap my mind around why so many people here get so worked up over the dumbest most immature things. I don't get why most people have so little respect for the people around them or above them. I just don't get how people can complain about the most miniscule things in their lives. It is just frustrating to hear others harping about mistreatment and bad days when really what they are going through is not that big of a deal. I would not wish the things that have happend to me to make me realize life is more than little problems on anyone, but it just gets hard when some people have absolutely no idea what real pain and loss feels like. There is more to life than that. These last couple of days my heart has just been aching and I have really been missing those I have lost. I know it will slowly get better but right now it just feels so unfair again. Why do some people lose so much and others go through life seemingly unscathed? I know I know, it's all part of God's plan, but man sometimes that just doesn't seem to make sense. I guess that is the beauty of it. Okay so lately I know I have really been drawing from the Bible and music but I got something again today that I find encouraging. It is from a Relient K song called For the Moments I Feel Faint-"Never underestimate my Jesus. You're telling me that there's no hope, I'm telling you you're wrong. Never underestimate my Jesus. Cause when the World around you crumbles, He will be strong, He will be Strong."

Carrie Out

Sunday, April 15, 2007

I am tired and don't feel very good so this should be short. We split our games today, I went 3-5 with a double and two singles and actually played defense really well. It was a nice day out clear skys and bright clouds, a little cool but still enjoyable. I don't know why but days like that just make me feel kind of at one with God. Like I could reach out and touch heaven, see Jesus, d have a conversation with all my friends that have passed. I just feel like they are standing next to me surrounding me, I can almost feel them nearby. It also makes me really miss them, makes me think of a lot of memories and old times, makes me wish they were still here. I still struggle with that,wanting them here even though where they are now is so much better than Earth. I guess that is something I will never fully grasp, yet I am not sure I am supposed to. Here are somethings I do understand, the power of God's love and the healing it brings. The fact that a little boy lived just a few days yet completely stole my, and so many others hearts. I can't get over how much I loved him, how close I felt to him, how much I just wanted him to be okay. But I guess now he is okay, just not the way we planned and that's probably why God's plans are so much better than ours.

Carrie Out

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Let love and faithfullness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Proverbs 3:3
We miss you already, but knowing that you took a part of each of us with you makes us feel some comfort knowing that you will forever be surrounded by our love. The sad part is that the pieces you took with you left tiny holes in our hearts. Sleep in peace sweet baby boy.

The funeral service today was very nice and also very hard. All of our family came, which is sad to know we are all enduring the same thing, but also comforting knowing the love and support that is there. It's not the being there that hurts but knowing why we were there that brings pain. I read a letter to Sawyer during the service it was extremely hard to do but I kept my composure I kept praying to God to give me the strength to stand up and read it. Really some of the saddest parts about funerals is watching the people around you hurt and grieve so much. It is hard to see people you love in so much pain especially people who you rely on to be strong and be protectors. I cannot even begin to imagine what Amy and Jim are going through but am proud of how far they have made it, their faith is inspiring. Just being at the funeral kept sending flashbacks through my head, portraits of other people I have seen pass onto heaven. I have been to more funerals and visitations in the past four years than I would wish on anyone and no one is easier than another. Each one leaves an impression on you, some you wish weren't there and others you can't hold onto tight enough. I do know this though grief never totally goes away but it does soften, it does get a little better as you face each new day. Is it fair that God puts us through such sorrow and suffering? Is it fair to have to watch as your loved ones pass on without knowing why? Maybe not but I think if we knew the answers to such questions we would lose our fear of God our belief that he is the all knowing, we would know answers but be lost. To me I find it hard to believe but think the latter is better.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Thursday, April 12, 2007

To be honest I really don't know what to write tonight, I just feel worn out. I have made it through school with the help and understanding of some good friends and teachers. It is a nice feeling to know that some people out there still think of others just not themselves all the time. This is a little odd but not really, lately I have just been drawn to listening to praise music which luckily I have quite the stock of. I must've listened to Held a good 15 times in the past twenty four hours. It is just a song I remember our youth listening to when Scott died and just crying because it was so true and in some way comforting to us. They always say God doesn't give you more than you can handle still it is hard not to feel cheated sometimes. All I can say is that whenever something is taken away God always puts it back. Not always how we want it or even in ways that we see it, but it's there shouting at us when we're not listening and holding us tight when we are running, relentlessly pursuing all that we have. All we can do is ask for God's guidance, for him to show us the way we should go with our lives, for him to help us through the hard times, and stay by our sides during the good, and for him to continue to open our eyes to the wonderful blessings he has already given to us in life, and even those he was taken away, because we will always have them in our hearts. Even in the midst of the not so good God always sends so much greatness. No Jesus, No hope, Know Jesus, Know Hope.

Carrie Out

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Okay so I know I already posted but this song has been in my head and I think the lyrics are very fitting for today.

Held-Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Dear Sawyer,
I am writing this to you, not in goodbye, but in farewell, I know we will see you again someday. You were truly an inspiration, you faced an uphill battle everyday, yet you fought with all you had. You had more triumphs in your few days on earth than many people accomplish in a lifetime and for this we are proud of you. You may not have been the biggest baby, but you were the baby with the biggest heart and stregnth. You were a beautiful gift from God, a miracle given to us to love. Just gazing at your tiny face could melt the hardest hearts. We don't cry today for you, we know you are in a better place, set free, where you are no longer lying in an incubator, but instead lying in the comforting arms of Jesus. We do cry for ourselves, for your parents, and the loss we have all encountered in your passing. We cry for the tomorrows that only exsist in our hearts, but that is where you will forever stay, in a special place in our hearts. You are up in heaven now, but you are not alone, your big brother is there to protect you. There are many people up there who will guide you and take care of you where we now cannot, tell them we miss them. We are lucky that the gift God gave us in love is everlasting, it does not end, even when life does. We will love and miss you everyday for the rest of our lives. You were perfect, a display of God's beauty and grace sent down from heaven, and we are blessed that we were chosen to be your family. Each day you were here was a wonder and though your time was short it held so much meaning. Your presence helped to put life in perspective and forced us to refocus our lives, I guess you were God's way to get us back on the right path. With each tear we cry, we will also rejoice, because you are no longer struggling or hurting, there is no more worrying, no more fear, you are forever safe. You have the gift of growing up in heaven where you will never be hurt, your innocence never altered, and you will never feel a moment of sadness. While we would have liked to share in your life for a longer time, there is no better place for a child to be than home with God. Thank you for every thing you taught us, the fight you showed us, for the smiles you brought to our faces, and the tears you brought to our eyes, you Sawyer, will be forever loved and never forgotten. "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for me, a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing."~II Timothy 4:7-8

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

V8 splash, mm mmm good. Classes were okay today they kinda drug by but whatever. We watched more of JFK which was enjoyable. Our games went well today minus the freezing cold. We actually won them both the second one in the top of the seventh I led off with a single and scored the tying run. I went 4-7 all singles, one rbi, and two runs scored. Not too bad considering I couldn't feel my hands. I had on multiple layers and a heat pack on my shoulder to try and loosen it up a bit, luckily I didn't have the need to throw much. I think being out there got me sick though I was just doing my math homework and my nose was running like the nile. Okay well I have a headache so I am gonna go lay down.

Carrie Out

Monday, April 09, 2007

I am now back at school Easter Break actually went really well. It was hard to come back I just feel right now that home is where I need to be, it is just more nerve racking being here right now. It was nice to be back home for a few days and get to see some people I missed and just hang out. We had dinner at Grandma's on Sunday I really enjoyed myself. I love the fact that three or four times a year I can tell you exactly where every member of my family is. I love that this year there were sleeping, smiling, babies being passed around. I love that our family is so big that some people have to sit on footstools, or folding chairs, or on the floor. I love that regardless of how old my uncles or I get they continue to pester us year in and year out. I love that it gets so loud sometimes that you can hardly hear yourself think over everyone's conversations. I love that some of my family weren't able to eat with us because that means that there is a little baby we love who refuses to give up and keeps suprising us everday. I love knowing that whenever we get together with my cousins there will be a lot of laughter and reminiscing. I love the stories we tell and the inside jokes we have that only our family understands. I love that I have never felt so comfortable in such a big group of people. I love that the amount of easter eggs continues to grow each year as new additions are made to our family. I love sitting in the kitchen playing games and having girl talk. I love watching as all the men discuss and fight over sports. I love the fact that I can be myself and no matter what I am loved and I love the people around me.

Carrie Out

Friday, April 06, 2007

I normally don't post when I am at home, but today I felt the need. It's funny I write these things where anyone can read them but I hate it when people are around while I write them, I know confusing. I went to see Sawyer today, thank you Amy very much for letting us come. I was nervous to go in the room once I got there but Kathy took me back. He is in this incubator thing in the back of the NICU that is all covered with blankets and has pictures in it. I really don't know what I was expecting when I saw him but I was utterly amazed with just how perfect he is. He has ten fingers and toes just like any other baby and he is beautiful if I loved him before I love him even more now. He is like a tiny angel he kept moving his little hands and feet around and I don't know why this surprised me but he is just so....I don't know...normal and it is wonderful. He is having a rough time with his kidneys right now but everyone is hopeful, keep up the prayers, I just feel like he's gonna make it, he's a fighter and a miracle from God. After seeing him we stopped by Sam's to see Clayton it felt good to just hold him and kiss him. Knowing the rougher side of things makes me see how blessed we have been with him and Kyleigh. Makes you really appreciate the things I do have in my life, even my own brothers. We wanted to get Sawyer something so I picked out a book that when I read it I knew it had to go to him. If we trust God he can turn the worst situations into some of the best. Trust in God.

Carrie Out

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

I really don't feel like writing much so this should be "short." School went alright lots of boring little of learning. I completed my paper, took a test, and a quiz. Our game was cancelled which I had no desire to play so that was nice. I hit in the gym by myself for awhile and then I went and worked out at the rec. The rest of the night I spent with Sherry and Ashley doing a lot of nothing. Sawyer had a bad day today we came close to losing him. Last I heard though he was getting a little better, I still jump a little bit everytime my phone rings though, I guess its just the not knowing that kills me. It just makes me nervous that's all even though I know that Gods plan will be followed regardless of what we do. Still Sawyer could really use some prayer warriors to get through this. This is what I find interesting, at many times during the day today he would pop into my head and I would get this overwhelming feeling that I needed to pray for him right then and I would. This was before I even knew anything was happening, God works in mysterious ways, but we are grateful for the gift he has given us in Sawyer. Tomorrow I go home for Easter Break I will be back Monday and am not sure if I will post over the weekend. So Happy Easter everyone.

Carrie Out

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Time to return to my lovely list

1. I went to breakfast right as they were putting breakfast away, I settled for Lucky Charms.
2. I got to watch JFK in Government class and it was awesome, I forgot how much I like that movie, its fascinating.
3. Our softball game got cancelled because it typhooned for about an hour.
4. I got out of education class early.
5. Instead of working on homework I watched T.V. all afternoon.
6. We practiced in the gym...waste of time.
7. I iced my shoulder numb, it felt good.
8. Dinner was not so good I walked to Jimmy Johns.
9. I actually worked on my paper and am all but done. If only I could find the desire to finish it.
10. I watched American Idol, Tony Bennett nice, Sanjaya not so nice.
11. I watched the Womens National Championship, Parker is awesome, that is all I have to say.

Carrie Out

Monday, April 02, 2007

Sometimes I forget that people can read the things I write on here. I find myself more using it as a tool to get out the days drama and excitement, and to clear my mind and organize my thoughts, more than for people to read. Oh well I guess it works both ways. Random thought: right now I am eating pretzels and Miracle Whip and it is good. Sooo today. Well classes went alright I actually got some work done on my paper, which I took an extension on so it isn't due until Thursday. Here is my issue: I find myself putting off things more and more everyday. Like tonight I had practice at two and then was done for the evening. But did I do any homework? No I shot for half an hour. Then I went to dinner for a really long time. I ate and then spent some time sitting and talking to a couple of the baseball boys who are really nice. After that I went on an hour walk. Still doing no homework I watched Friends and then the NCAA Championship in Ashleys room. I left at about 10:30 planning on coming back and showering...but once again I just didn't. I sat in the lobby talking to some of the girls for a good hour before I even came back to the room. Procrastination is the enemy. It is now 12:00 and I have accomplished little today but still throughly enjoyed myself, it's not like I have an overwhelming workload this week but still it would be nice if I just found the focus to get it done. I saw a new picture of Sawyer today, one where you could even see his face and I must say he is cute. I couldn't believe how little his hand was his whole palm was grasping onto Amy's fingertip. There is a lot of fight in that tiny boy.

Carrie Out

Sunday, April 01, 2007

It was windy today, we ended up getting our games in. Mom, Grandma, and Kacy came it was nice to see them and have them there. We lost both our games but shouldn't have. I hit well but struggled a little bit defensively. Right now we have somewhat hit a bump in the road with our team, but we can only improve. Last week I was really struggling with putting all that together and dealing with all the shortcomings we have as players and teamates. This week life has once more been put into better perspective. There are more important things in life than whether or not we win everygame we play. There are heftier issues than those discussed at a pulled together team meeting. There are bigger problems faced then whether or not some one did or did not do something. Life is good because it's life, because you see, and interact, and love, because you are. Life is full of obstacles but it is how we choose to overcome them that determines our strength. I saw pictures of Sawyer today. He is so tiny yet still so perfect. While I can't see too much underneath all the tubes and wires, it really doesn't matter because I know he is under there, I know he is there and right now that's really all that matters to me. The doctors already saw some improvement today which is always good, he is a fighter. Mom and Grandma went to meet him today they said he looks really good just little, like a baby doll. I am hoping to go up sometime in the next week, while I know it will be hard to see him for the first time I know it will be reliving to actually see that he is here. In the meantime please continue to pray for him as he faces each new day.

Carrie Out